On the second thought
An apology that is long overdue.
An apology that is long overdue.
Either intentional or a coincidence, there are moments in this life that give a heart wrenching silence — it is loud and it breaks a person.
If I never relied on sleeping out those times, battle with the pain choking over a quiet late dinner, a mouse moment to blasting music with bop melodies with lyrics that screams a silent cry, I would not have made it until today.
I kept noticing what mistakes I have done over my course of living, a whole lot more over the money I have. Like a bank, they are stored in my memory, with chants of regrets and what ifs playing whenever my mind likes to sabotage a calm silence I am enjoying.
Every day is an opportunity for a self ambush, could not guess why but I am trying to win a debate over my head. Funny because at some point I can hear my voice arguing and finding my facial reaction corresponds to it. Was it normal, I do not know either.
There are points too, where I am thankful of people giving me new associated memories for an event or thing. It unties me from having a midday or midnight flashback. Somewhat helps but cannot help but to be afraid that those former memories are stronger.
At your own pace, I am trying to while wishing that instead of how fast I can ambush myself, I can finish all my work. I am not lazy, it just happened that most of the time my mind is on a caffeine rush for such thoughts.
Putting those together, I feel like a criminal, a predator against my own. Questioning every opportunity of happiness that comes that I get used to not celebrating even the smallest milestone.
Is everything about my life in my hands? No. But I blame myself for suffering and treating myself this way, gaslighting my way through life.
Apology would not be enough but I want to tell myself that it is not entirely my fault. Patting my back for I know I tried my best to untangle every thought that passed by. It was long overdue but I am trying to spare myself from further damage.
After writing this, I am still continuing this conversation in my head.
